I met this decent looking guy over the internet and we finally were able to meet tonight at that detestable place called The Cheesecake Factory which has a menu that screams: “I don’t know what I want to be so let me just offer you everything!”
He presented me with a tribute (domme speak I suppose) which was a Nordstrom’s gift card worth two hundred and fifty dollars. Nice but child’s play. At the end of our “date” he asked if I could reach under the table and squeeze his crotch really hard because he was into woman wide domination and so I grabbed his nuts between my fingers and not only did I pinch them I gave it a nice twist just for good measure. He smiled and offered to walk to my car and so before I parked my ass behind the wheel I took my keys and stabbed his nuts really hard and then I smiled and took off.
Next time I am going to kick him in the nuts and karate chop him in the back. He claims that if I beat him up and make him wear a male chastity belt that he will pay all of my bills. So I need to turn it up a crotch notch or two and really show him a hell of a bruisin’ good time.
When I arrived home I found this text message waiting for me: I want to be your financial slave. Oh I am going to beat you so silly. I wonder how much a hot iron is worth. Suggestions?
Posted by Woeful on July 24, 2007 at 1:32 am
Sounds like a match made in heaven. I suggest you not leave any permanent marks. I still have a scar from when an old girlfriend marked her territory…
Posted by JanieBelle on July 24, 2007 at 1:35 am
Posted by Woeful on July 24, 2007 at 2:02 am
I gave her a nice surprise, and she reflexively drew blood.
Posted by raincoaster on July 24, 2007 at 4:23 am
Does this guy have a brother in Vancouver? Could you get a sample of DNA for cloning?
Posted by Stiletto on July 24, 2007 at 4:37 am
You know what the real kicker is? He is ATTRACTIVE!
So what is this nice surprise, Woeful? Is it the obvious? Do tell!
Raincoaster, I do not think so but I can ask. Just for you. What I would like to do to him is rig his privates with electricity and take him out in public and zap him via remote. I’m thinking it’s going to take some extreme measures to get some DNA.
Posted by The Bagel of Everything on July 24, 2007 at 2:57 pm
You’re awesome.
Will you be my jedi master?
Posted by totaltransformation on July 24, 2007 at 7:50 pm
Umm….ouch .
Posted by thelizardking on July 25, 2007 at 12:47 am
The only thing that I have to say is that The Cheesecake Factory makes disgusting, heart-attack-inducing food…Oh, and I’ll repeat one of my favorite summer mantras: Emo sux. Yeah, it has nothing to do with the topic at hand, but I wanted to share.
Posted by pprelude12 on July 25, 2007 at 1:22 am
I’m still having trouble accepting that you agreed to set foot in a cheesecake factory.
Posted by shenanigans on July 25, 2007 at 1:23 am
woah! you are hardcore!
Posted by raincoaster on July 25, 2007 at 5:51 am
Ya Sriusly. The Cheesecake Factory. Isn’t that where you take your date in Freshman year?
Posted by Rachael Black on July 25, 2007 at 5:42 pm
dammit where do i go wrong? i need a guy to be my financial slave, at which point there will be no more fucking cheesecake factory dates. gag me.
hmmmmm now there’s a thought. being a fucking sub is a bitch sometimes.
Posted by jessecuster on July 30, 2007 at 6:45 am
Ah, for the days when I had a sub of my very own.
She was a lot of fun. She would do absodamnlutely anything I told her to, wherever, whenever, however I told her to do it. Wore a collar with a nametag on it, too, said ‘if found, please call (XXX) XXX-XXXX and return me to my master.’
She was a fun girl. I miss her.
Posted by whatpushesmybuttons on July 30, 2007 at 9:18 pm
His ass should have been beat for taking you to the Cheesesteak Factory in the first place…but I guess it’s worth enduring for a $250 gift card
I guess he also doesn’t know about your blog…i’d assume there would be some blackmailing involved to keep the “sordid” details away from your faithful followers?
Posted by Stiletto on August 1, 2007 at 2:53 am
The Cheesecake Factory was my idea. Breakin’ bad in an All American family-sphere created a beautiful juxtaposition.
Posted by Stiletto on August 1, 2007 at 2:58 am
“Yeah, it has nothing to do with the topic at hand, but I wanted to share.”
We sort of expect that from you by now lol
I appreciate the comments, everyone – they make me smile indeed. May even be my favorite comment thread.
PS Jedi lessons available but only for gift cards…
PPS Jesse you are a sick pup.
PPPS No blackmail needed. He wants humilation, he’ll get humiliation.