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My alma mater is putting one together and they’ve asked that I submit a few recipes! Why, they must be desperate! Faculty wrote:

“So I know that you spend hours worrying and fretting that unless you are able to make it back for opening night ART shows that you may never again get to taste the wonderful tortellini salad, meatballs, spinach dip and baked ziti that we enjoy four times a year or so. WORRY NOT! The Conservatory Cookbook is about to be born! And we need your help! Send your favorite recipes for inclusion in the book! You know the cold days are upon us with darkness falling at like 5 PM – so cozy up on the couch and turn on the TV – fire up the lap top and shoot me some recipes!

Recipe Format: Feel free to include an introductory paragraph about your recipe – its origin, history, fun factoids that folks will enjoy knowing! And of course do your best on measurements and oven temps/cooking times! Also, your name, conservatory grad date(s).”

This is getting complicated. I have no idea what my measurements are these days.

“Here are our chapters – see where you fit in and send your favorites when you can – we want to go to press at the end of the summer.”

Hold up! Did she say “at the end of summer?”

You know, the person who told me if I were a Superhero I’d be Slacker Woman might be right. It’s not what I can do now, it’s what I might do later!!!

“Cookbook Title: Heavy Meals, Late at Night (A quote from the musical Ruthless! – “A life in the theatre means a life where one is doomed to heavy meals late at night.”) You all get it…:)”

Um, no…stupid!!! Heavy Meals, Late At Night? How gay! Talk about a recipe for disaster, because nobody wants to hire fat actors! Oh wait – this is theatre. Never mind. But may I suggest a title a little more humble and perhaps a touch trite? Hows about -

“The Starving Actor!”

It conjures up images of thin!

“Chapter One: Green Room Snacks – Sweets (desserts/sweet snacks etc.)
Chapter Two: Green Room Snacks – Savories (munchies, hors d’ouvres/ finger foods etc.)
Chapter Three: The Opening Night Party (Party Buffet items…we already have Pete’s mom’s ziti recipe and more!)
Chapter Four: The Well Stocked Opening Night Bar (Drink recipes)
Chapter Five: The Pre-Sunday Matinee Brunch (breakfast/brunch recipes)
Chapter Six: The Monday Night Off – Dinner at a Reasonable Hour (dinner recipes entrees/casseroles/stews/soups and sides)
Chapter Seven: The Strike Lunch (lunchy things/sammies/light meal recipes)”

The Strike Lunch? What is The Strike Lunch? You mean as in – those people who are holding up signs behind a picket line? They need to eat? Can they afford to eat? (Refer back to – “The Starving Actor”).

[Sorry, Max]

By the way, what’s a sammie? Is that a person, place, or thing?

Now, I may be a little awkward in the kitchen but I’ve not lost my knack for marketing and I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve. I’m going to casually suggest that our headshots be displayed right next to our recipes. Is that slick or what?

While you think on that I’m going to assemble some food!

Admittedly, I don’t have any original recipes – well, maybe this one little stir fry dish my nephew loves (and he recommends I get it in print but I prefer keeping it as our little ancient Chinese secret), so because of my lack of culinary prowess, I’ve decided the real trick is converting all of my boring bodybuilding fare into a sublime and mainstream equivalent.

Example:

BOILED EGGS AND SALT AND PEPPER

Conversion?

DEVILED EGGS.

But it’s got that have that certain je ne sais quoi that you just can’t place your finger on. Aha! Got it! I bet mayo mixed with wasabi would be totally original! Unassumingly kicky too! And who the hell would ever think of mixing the two?

[Unless you're a crazy half Asian on a Thursday night drinking X-rated vodka].

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! This could be my ascent into the world of fusion cuisine! A legend is born! The green room will never be the same! Oh, how brilliant – wasabi? Green room? Score!

Fun factoid: It doesn’t give me the runs.

Next:

RICE CEREAL

Conversion? It’s a no-brainer!

“RICE KRISPY TREATS!”

Now, what’s so original about Rice Krispy Treats, you probably want to know? Why, absolutely nothing. Which is exactly why I can rip the recipe right off the cereal box.

Fun factoid: It doesn’t give me the runs.

Ok, we’ve got to start getting a little more complex here.

Next:

MEAT SAUCE SANS SPAGHETTI

Heat up a tablespoon of olive oil. Brown 1 lb of ground turkey. Add one jar of spaghetti sauce. Eat out of pan which means one less dish to wash! (Red pepper flakes optional, not recommended on opening night).

Wait, wait, wait – you’ve got to share, right? Ok – bring paper plates – but don’t let that deter you from eating out of the pan.

Fun factoid: Three’s a charm but not in this case. Hang out near bathroom.

Next:

It’s time I come up with a cocktail and here is where I’m really gonna shine. Some nights ago, while hammered to high heaven, I’ve decided that I need to make my own absinthe and serve it up as a martini. Only problem is, I couldn’t figure out exactly what to shake it up with. Now, it might not be a good idea to use my fellow actors as guinea pigs but people don’t actually cook their meals from cookbooks, do they?

Hey, isn’t absinthe green, too? Oh Lord, I sense another winner……Deuce!

Fun factoid: Well, honestly, I’m just not sure yet.

It might not have the substance but it’s got the style! “The Jim Jones?” “The Medea?” “The Meatwad?” anyone?