Married Men With Big Guns
Water everywhere, and not a drop to drink?
Let’s briefly review my current dating options:
- Black pro baseball player?
- Uncircumcised freakishly tall man? (Ooops, you weren’t supposed to know that. And neither was I).
- Barely legal Starbucks barista with mildly greasy complexion and fetching South African accent?
Well, add two more as of Saturday.
- 23 year old professional model
- Middle Eastern gangster and coke dealer with a record (I don’t mean music, either)
I have limited time and, I hate to admit, limited energy, so I’m going to use the process of elimination here. While I’d rather start with good looks and lack of it, none of them fall into that category so I’ll have to go with another quality of obvious importance - physique. #1 and #5 have amazing bodies, wow, you should see their biceps but…well, 5 is a thug who has been to jail three times but at least he’s single…if you don’t count being someone’s bitch behind bars.
#1 is black which freaks me out a bit…not that I don’t care for men of color, I find Africans such as Djimon Hounsou more attractive..which brings me to #3, a white African with shaggy hair and puppy dog eyes but he’s rather young…and how much is Starbucks paying him again? Who will be footing the bill on our dates? I hope his face doesn’t always look like I can fry chicken in it…wait - that means an excess of testosterone, right?
#4 hits on any thing that walks upright and something about him smacks of deliciously wrong Craig Kilborn douchebagedness. Hooking up with him is as guilty a pleasure as secretly banging the sad fat chick next door or wolfing down a meat lovers pizza and vomiting it back up. He’s like the nagging hemorrhoid you don’t bring up in polite conversation. Your closest friends will think he’s an asshole but then they’ve never had the pleasure of hitting the sack with him. Unless… they’re all female, which means they’ve all had the pleasure of hitting the sack with him. Plus he has an unlimited supply of flammable refreshments. #5 might even be his dealer.
Which leaves #2. He’s secure, and successful, and SANE…which sounds positively boring. And to be stuck with his pig in a blanket! Ok, that’s it. I’m not having any of them. Damn Bodyguard Boy! Why does he have to be married? He excites the hell out of me. Men with guns excite me. Men in a position to be shot excite me. Men with guns…big guns..they excite me!
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Don’t forget: one fat, bald married guy. ♥
You did not mention whether or not #2 was married. Ahem.
None of them are! And I knew YOU would catch that! You also caught me heading over to visit!
“Don’t forget: one fat, bald married guy”
I could throw a penny in a crowd and it would hit one of those, right?
So it would seem.
Perhaps you just need to look in other places…..
“Perhaps you just need to look in other places…..”
Go south, young woman?
CAPITAL idea, Beautiful!
What’s wrong with “all of the above, but not on the same night”? This is going to sound really funny, but I actually wrote a paper at University about comparative etiquette and one of the areas I deliberately left unformed was dating. I figured I’d get to that in grad school. But I had my theories.
My theory, which is actually dreadfully old-fashioned nowadays, is you go out with anyone you like until you like someone so much you don’t want to go out with anyone else.
My very modern friends find this terribly shocking.
Wow that is a good theory.
I second that good theory.
And if there’s seven of them you could get a free dinner for every night of the week!
As long as they’re all not friends. That wouldn’t go over well with friends.