Sugar Soothes the Savage Beast

I’m an alcoholic.
It’s not because of the amount of booze I drink.
It’s because of all the sugar I consume.
Back when I was fourteen and forced to endure a daily dose of dreadfully boring rehab mandated AA Meetings to remedy my moral failings (and aside from always looking like an overly dolled up and underaged [...]

Should Have Stayed in Hell

Kitty reminded me of this story.
Back in 2001, upon returning from his days on an Alaskan commercial fishing boat, my freshly retired, wet-eyed, quivering lipped bisexual friend “F” used to drag me to open mic nights at Club Hell in Adams Morgan. I used to snort a little blow and drink a lot [...]

The Chief Export of Chuck Norris is Pain

It’s what’s for breakfast.
Every morning I shamelessly devour three consecutive episodes of Walker: Texas Ranger while I sit topless in front of my full length mirror and slap on the makeup. I do this with the blinds wide open too. You know, in case the guys in the office building directly in [...]

Please Officer Just Reach Down and Do It

Oh my god, only in Florida!
Maybe it’s wrong of me to laugh but I just can’t help myself - and neither could the officer in the video.

Hat tip ~
You know, I feel so sorry for you guys - having to carry that thing on your body 24/7.  Bad enough you’re ruled by it!

For Jennifer

Jennifer wants to start working out so I found the perfect video to inspire motivation.
She can thank me later.  I just wish they would have focused more on the hamstring stretches.
I wonder if AJ Valliant puts out these moves…

My Secret Crush

Raincoaster has hers –
And now — here is mine.

Yours Truly, Satan {{{Redux}}}

As I wrote before the cat had sashayed into my office and with much aplomb she dropped the bomb, thus rendering me weak and powerless to pen some prose.
Once again:
Here’s a huge thanks to the person who text messaged me at 2 am on the dot and chose callback number 666. Very funny. [...]

Yours Truly, Satan

Here’s a huge thanks to the person who text messaged me at 2 am on the dot and chose callback number 666. Very funny. And I’m actually being quite sincere. You see, I dreamt…
Ok, I have to come back. The cat is taking a hellacious dump in the litter [...]

The New Guy at the Gym II

Well, new to me as I’ve never seen him before.
Really hot. Older Gorgeous salt and pepper hair. Built like a brick shithouse. I mean this guy has the physique of a god! Drives a $250,000 Mercedes but doesn’t put on airs. In fact, his company shirt reads *&* [...]

For Raincoaster Lover of Cephalopod

An early birthday present for a fellow Cancerian. Oh please please I hope she didn’t already discover this and if she did - go ahead and lie to me! I put so much thought into this one! (Ok, now I’m lying, I just happened to stumble upon this while looking for sordid [...]

Punny Licious

Or not.
This is dedicated to our swell pal Firm whose always got a pun in the oven.
1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, [...]

You Got A Warface?

“Sir yes sir!”
“I will PT you all until you DIE!”
I leave you with this video before I jet off to the Caribbean.

In German

Steer Clear of Chicks Named Evelyn

“Do you ever find yourself…being completely smothered by somebody?”
Yes. Yes, yes, yes! Been there, done that! Er, I mean, had that done!
Oh my God! This is so cheesy but AWESOME!

I’m still laughing…
BTW, I accidentally titled this, Steer Clear of Chicks Named Misty…probably thinking of my ex-husband’s second wife…PSYCHO!

Caribbean Bound

I’ve decided I’m going to fly down to the Bahamas for Memorial Day weekend where the 27th annual American Dream Calendar Girl Summer Nationals will be held. I did it last year and had one hell of a jolly good time and I suppose I ought to make it my own personal tradition and [...]

Revel In Your Divine Whore, Married Women!

Ladies!
Don’t want to find your dearly beloved husband’s work or personal number in some sensationally publicized forty-six pounds of cell phone records that happens to belong to the Beltway Madam or one of similar repute (or any Madam, for that matter)? Are you upset and frustrated when he neglects the garbage or he won’t scrub [...]

Car/10 Personality/0

Dear Stiletto:
I don’t know what came over me. Here is a picture of my new car. Do you want to take a ride???

Dear Dickless in Maryland:

Take Your Wife, Please!

“Stiletto, how would you like to go to a Wizards game - my VIP tickets entitle us to the pre game cocktail party. What do you think? It’ll be a hell of a good time.”
I arch my eyebrows in amusement. Today out of all days was not the day to play around. [...]

If You Want To Earn Your Man

You’ve got to learn your man!
“…her vagina is cold, she’s laying in bed at night playing with toys. Or she’s got a man beside her, he’s a good provider but he’s not hitting the walls and working the middle like that daaawg that she havin’ that sneaky sex with…”
I couldn’t resist lifting this little gem of a [...]

Guns Are For Pussies

 
Wouldn’t it be something if America pimped out and hailed the virtues of the long lost art of sword fighting?  No longer would you be subject to wannabe gang bangers bustin’ out lurid lyrics on their most recent gunfire exchange because a drug deal went south or some rival gang member crossed over into enemy territory [...]

Little Queens in the Making

Indisputably hilarious! 

Liar Liar, Pants on Fire

I’m in trouble.
I told my trainer last week that I had that monthly curse thing going on because what I really had was Thai food [that would be chicken with basil, extra spicy] from the night before bubbling in my stomach and performing hyperextensions with twenty two pound weights was an accident waiting to happen. [...]

Out of the Closet

It’s a clothing sale!
I’m sorry, Mama. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to make you cry, but tonight I’m cleanin’ out my closet.[Eminem]

Actually, mother, the clothes you buy me are so inconsiderate and thoughtless that I just chucked that shit in the Salvation Army dumpster and the dumpster threw it back up.  Mother, guess what?  [...]

Tag, I’m It

Max, I am going to grab you by the ankles, turn you upside down and dip your head in…in…oh, I don’t know…dark red henna.  But Celluloid Cherry sounds like an adult film star name spawned by some crazy net generator and one quality that cannot be attributed to you is bad taste.
So I’ve been tagged by Max [...]

Eighty One Percent Fortified With Slut

That’s it? I actually feel this overwhelming sense of disappointment.  I thought I had the market cornered on this one.  Is it because I answered no to buying used sex toys? Come on, guys, that is just gross!

Look, Boss, the Place! The Place!

In response to the throng of pervs out there who have a yen for Oriental objets d’art and who keep nagging me for the name of ”this place,” as mentioned in my last post: 
 “I will take you out to this place where you can hang with all the other guys with yellow fever and see hot Asian women slink around in [...]

Don’t Let the Door Hit You From Behind

Uncle K called last night while I was drinking wine and vodka. I had just gotten back from hanging out with the front desk girl and and this sophisticated yokel from Texas who happened to stop by while I was sticking Chinese dumplings in my mouth and covertly sipping raspberry flavored vodka from a [...]

What’s Behind Door Number Three

The beautifully brilliant and sharp witted Celluloid Blonde is over in her home away from home (or is that home within a home?) right now and right here and she is talking about cute neighbor guys.  She is crossing her fingers and wishing on a star that some hot stud will move into the vacant apartment near hers which is not [...]

Stalker in the Making

 
My late afternoon gym session wraps up with me sitting in my trainer’s office and perusing through the numerous muscle mags his best friend had dropped off earlier.  And somehow the convo that has revolved around Jay Cutler and various other Mr. Olympias casually segues into whining about how hard it is to find a good man to date and intelligently separating them [...]

Five Diamonds My Ass

Last night my girlfriend Kiki called and told me to meet her and her new boyfriend at some place down the street from my apartment I never even heard of but was sort of eager to check out now that they mentioned it. I’m so out of the loop, I guess I’m not that cool [...]

It Takes A Real Man to Get This Dirty

Graphic:  Do not venture further or else - be warned!